yesterday was a rough day

david is the most amazing husband/dad i could have ever asked/wished for. ashton woke up around 9am yesterday and started his first ever "cluster" feeding. it lasted until 11pm last night. i was so exhausted from him wanting to be at the breast all day. he refused to sleep. sleeping only at the end of feeding sessions. as soon as david got home i handed him over to david. i continued with my feedings but i was able to finally get some rest. david stayed up until 2am this morning rocking ashton so i could finally get some rest before starting the "night shift". he would have stayed up all night had i not heard ashton crying for food. i can't thank david enough for doing what he did (he did it without complaints and made sure i was okay before heading off for bed). my body needed the rest. i had no idea growth spurts would be as bad as they are. ashton slept well last night (!!) and i was able to get even more rest. he is still asleep as i type this, it's almost time for another feeding. i wonder if he will continue with another "cluster" feeding today. 

i ordered a moby wrap a few days ago and wish i had it yesterday. i could have used it big time since ashton refused to be put down. i also want to order a babyhawk carrier. i hope ashton adapts to being worn. it would make my life so much easier! i tried stuffing him into my hotsling yesterday. haha. poor little boy. it definitely does not fit! i need to do laundry. david usually helps me in the evenings to get it done.  but the apartment complex locks the laundry rooms at night due to the freezing temps. if i had the moby wrap or some type of carrier i could be doing laundry right now lol. i could be doing a lot if i could wear ashton. ::sigh:: i will just sit here impatiently waiting for my wrap to arrive. 

i am going to try really hard to take pictures (even if it's just a couple) of ashton everyday. i find myself so exhausted to pick up my camera but truth be told i am already regretting not taking pictures of him the last few days. i am wondering if i should jump on the bandwagon and do a project365 on him. here are some i took yesterday.

he actually watched his mobile!

smart boy = knowing how to keep the paci in

looks are deceiving, he slept maybe 5 mins.

david to the rescue! go figure ashton would sleep for him!

ashton is 3 weeks old!

we had to take ashton to the pediatric surgeon yesterday due to the fact his plastibell hadn't come off on its own (it had been 18days!). let's just say it was a very traumatic experience for all three of us! i was sitting down in a chair as far away as i could trying not to have a complete mental breakdown and david later admitted that he felt lightheaded and hot while watching them take it off. poor ashton was completely freaking out. it was an awful awful experience and i am glad it's over.

i ended up nursing him right there in the doctors office afterwards since it was clearly what he wanted (he was rooting as soon as i picked him up). i'm proud to have nursed him without my pillows or the comfort of my home. there are days where i feel like breastfeeding isn't easier than formula. with formula i could go anywhere and not worry that ashton will get too hungry because mommy is too shy to nurse in public. with formula, daddy could get up in the middle of the night for one feeding while i got more rest. a lot of people suggest pumping and feeding breast milk with a bottle. we have a manual pump but at the moment i only use it when i am engorged and ashton isn't hungry (keep my supply up, to avoid mastitis, and/or plugged ducts). right now i really want to establish breastfeeding exclusively from the breast (not bottle). someday my (currently very small) freezer stash will set me free to do something (like get a hair cut). everyone claims it will get easier but i don't believe them. :o). don't get me wrong, there are days where i think breastfeeding is easier. for one it's ready made and at the perfect temperature. i know he is getting what his little growing body needs and not worrying if i am using the wrong formula. ashton seems to be tolerating breast milk really well (no reflux. yet). something i am sure he would get if i was formula feeding. so it definitely has it's positive moments. it's just a lot of work. ashton in general is a lot of work. hahaha. 

ashton still hasn't had his first real bath yet. his umbilical cord is still attached. every diaper change i am secretly hoping it fell off. no luck yet. this boy needs a real bath asap. i suck at giving sponge baths. ashton HATES them. he probably will hate a real bath as well but at least i would feel like he is actually getting clean. ashton used to be called (lovingly) piglet. not because he is fat or knows how to eat but due to his sweet little snorts. in the last week we noticed the snorting has stopped. it was a sad moment but we have found a new name for him. little squirt. this boy has great aim and loves to pee on everyone during a diaper change. what amazes me is how much urine this boy can hold. he could have just wet his diaper and still have enough to pee on you during a change. david gets the most of it for some reason. i would say david gets peed on every single time he does a diaper change. with me it's a rare occurrence. last night he did a number. peed all over me and his clothes. which meant i had to change his clothes in the middle of the night which he did not appreciate.  

with all the things we bought for ashton you would be surprised that i don't have any good recommendations for products at this point. he doesn't like to be in his swing unless it isn't moving. he hates the bouncer. the miracle blanket is loathed because it requires his arms by his sides which he really hates. he sort of likes the amby baby bed. again he doesn't like the movement and wakes up immediately when it moves (which is something the website claims helps soothes baby back to sleep. not so with ashton). i have to have it up against the bed so it doesn't move as much. i can't use my hotsling since it doesn't fit. the boppy pillow is not good for breastfeeding, at least not for us. i can't do any tummy time with him on it since his cord hasn't come off yet. seriously the only thing i can recommend is pampers swaddlers, soothie pacifiers, medela harmony pump, and this book.  i ordered more things to try out. so i hope to have a better luck. perhaps ashton just needs time to like things. 

believe it or not i haven't taken any new pictures of ashton. i have been so tired and exhausted. so i give you this...

ashton's true feelings to anything and everything. 

exhausted.

i am tired haha! i find myself busy all the time. i breastfeed on average 9 hours a day! that's like a full time job on it's self. never mind everything else i have to do. anyway. ashton had his two week appointment yesterday. he is a healthy little eater! he weighed 8lbs 3oz on his birthday, 7lbs 12oz at his one week appointment, and 8lbs 12oz at his two week. he is 50% in height, weight, and head circumference. which is sort of funny considering he was measuring 50% at his 21week sonogram. the nurse looked at him and said "you just have to be a perfectionist don't you?". my little capricorn. he is such a sweet baby. i can't stop saying how much i love him. i just want to eat him up sometimes. who am i kidding, i want to eat him all the time!

yesterday was a rough day. not only was it my 29th birthday, ashton was fussy and kept me up allllll night the night before, then refused to sleep during the day. i was beyond exhausted. thankfully he was good last night and i was finally able to catch up on some sleep. his wake periods are becoming more frequent and for longer stretches of time. this afternoon after i fed him (he was awake the entire time) i sat down with him to go through his focus book. he enjoyed it for 45mins. rocked him for another 15mins hoping to put him to sleep so i could finally have lunch but he refused to shut those beautiful eyes and instead stared at me the entire time. i ended up putting him in his swing (because OMGosh i was starving and couldn't wait one more second!) where it took another 20mins for him to drift off. i find myself wondering what else i should be doing with him. i hate for him to get bored, though he seemed to be enjoying today's activities. ::shrugs:: i really wanted to take him for a walk since it was such a beautiful warm day (and the weather forecasters say it will be our last for a while) but i still can't drive :o(.

a few days ago i started freaking out that i haven't even done my newborn shots of him (he's getting bigger everyday!). so i decided to do it. big mistake. he woke up within two mins and pooped all over himself before going into full on hysterics (going for the sleeping naked baby shots). i think i will try again sometime this weekend when david is here to help put him to sleep and keep him calm. david went back to work wednesday. i wasn't sure what to expect being home alone with ashton all day but it has gone pretty smoothly for the most part. just the extreme lack of sleep.

testing the lighting before undressing him

right after he pooped and right before his fit

i suppose he is comfortable? no matter how often i fix his head, it ends up right back where it was.

he loves being in daddy's arms

such an innocent face

that's right, look into the pretty camera!

he did it again.

ashton would sleep through the night if i never wake him. i woke up after three hours and realized he was still in deep sleep (it took me 5 mins to wake him enough for him to latch properly). three hours later i woke myself up (again) and had to wake him for his feeding (again). i can not believe how much he loves to sleep. i hate waking him but i don't want it hurting my supply as my body is still adjusting to it. though i have to admit, i'm enjoying the long stretches of sleep. 

we took ashton to the park for the first time yesterday since it was such a nice day out. our pediatrician told us to get him out of the house (but to stay away from anyone obviously sick).

he hated the stroller (as he does with anything new). he eventually accepted it, but i don't think he likes it very much, at least not yet. i would love to try out my sling (hotsling). my body changed and i need to lose a few pounds (10 - 15lbs) for it to fit again. i am going to give it a month. if it still doesn't fit by then, i am going to order a new one or perhaps i should try a moby sling. i bet he would LOVE the sling. i also breastfed in public for the first time yesterday. well sort of. i did it in my car in the parking lot. but it's a step closer lol. i miss my boppy pillow. i need to practice at home without a pillow. my arms get so tired holding him though. 

i can't believe how busy i stay throughout the day. there is always something that needs to be done now. i would be lying if i said i didn't miss my lazy days. seeing and being with ashton makes it worth it. he is starting to have more wakeful periods. not sure how i feel about that yet. haha. part of me wants him to stay tiny forever and the other part can't wait to see what is ahead.

ten little piggies for our piglet

the boy sure does loves his soothies

such a good baby!

ashton must be getting ready for a growth spurt. he finishes both breasts and has been sleeping up a storm. slept 4hours, woke up for a feeding, slept 3hours, woke up for feeding, and then slept for another 2hours (in his swing!). it's nuts! i feel so refreshed and rested today thanks to all his sleeping. only issue is i have to rouse him to eat or finish eating. i had a rough night the night before where i just wanted to sleep all day yesterday. so, i am thankful for today. 

i feel great. i have stopped taking painkillers and finally able to do a lot of things. we purchased a swing for ashton. we decided not to get one due to the size of our apartment but after realizing ashton LOVES to be rocked 24/7 and found ourselves not being able to do anything else, we went out and got him a swing. i don't mind rocking him. in fact, i love rocking him, but once david goes back to work (this wednesday..so sad) i don't know how i will have time to do anything else. like eat and chores lol! so i hope it works out. he seems to be liking it so far. it's hard to tell what he likes and what he doesn't. i wasn't expecting a baby to be so fickle in the beginning but they really are! either way he is sooooo precious and i love all his quirks, the bad and the good!

 

his new swing!

he loves to focus on this book

it's no wonder i am so sleep deprived, i can't stop watching him sleep!

 

i love all his cute little outfits. momo is very curious about ashton. always trying to get near him. 

those lips! i swear i kiss him way too much!

little hands, so tiny, so perfect, so soft.

our little ham!

ashton's first trip to the pediatrician

we found ashton a pediatrician the day before i had my c-section. we were very careful and researched all our choices before actually selecting a doctor. i am glad we did our homework. we LOVE our pediatrician. he came up to the hospital to see ashton when he was born. it was so busy and hectic that we only got to see him briefly.  today was our first real encounter with him and david and i both left feeling impressed and confident we made the right choice. i have had the best luck in finding the greatest of doctors. 

i was worried about ashton not gaining weight with me breastfeeding. breastfeeding all of a sudden has become extremely easy for me. so easy i sometimes question if i am doing it right since you hear so many bad stories/experiences from new mothers. ashton latches on like a pro and my milk is coming in very nicely. i really enjoy breastfeeding. i look forward to ashtons meal times. which is something i was not expecting at all. it made me feel good and gave me confidence hearing how well ashton is doing. 

david and i try to make an effort to get out of the house every single day. it supposedly helps with recovery. i thought the doctors were crazy when they told me to get up and get out and not to sit at home healing. getting out and walking has made it so much easier for me. i am starting to feel really good and the pain is going away more and more each and every day. i am able to sleep comfortably. everything is going smoothly and i worry it's just a fluke or something. doesn't matter, i will take it!

i am sad that ashton is already a week old. i want to rewind this week and re-live it all over again! i love being a mom. this is the best thing that has ever happened to me (and i have had a lot of best things happen in my life). i started slow on photographing ashton as it was nearly impossible for me to get in positions to take pictures of him nevermind find the energy. but now that i am feeling much better i am going to get serious about documenting his life. every single bit of it! i want to look back and remember every single detail about him! 

he has started to sleep through his diaper changes. which is much nicer compared to a few days ago. i can just imagine what our neighbors were thinking when he would scream bloody murder during diaper changes. 

my entire pregnancy i had wished for a thumbsucker. even though i believe this was a fluke and probably will never happen again, i am happy i was able to catch it and had my camera ready.

i love gassy smiles. it reminds me how much cuter (if that is even possible) he is going to be when he starts smiling

my two babies

picture overload!

i could not contain myself tonight. ashton was alert and oh so freaking cute.

first night home. he lasted 5mins in his bed :o(

2 night home and he finally accepted his bed! i hope he continues to sleep in it. i really love our amby hammock bed.

♥

sooooooo so so so so in love with him!

i was going through some pictures i took at the hospital. i swear i am (this close) to eating him! david and i were brave enough to take ashton to babiesrus tonight. it was almost a success when ashton started to cry while checking out. turns out he had a wet diaper. we overreacted and headed back home. i wasn't brave enough to take a newborn to the bathroom (lolz). it was nice to get out though. my feet (which have been swollen since the day after the c-section) thanked me! climbing stairs has been very easy and pain-free. 

funny story of the day. i was breastfeeding ashton (admiring him and rubbing his soft little head) when all of a sudden he pulled away and coughed (more like spewed) breastmilk all over my face. lovely.

this was taken on our last day at the hospital. david looks exhausted, little did he know it was only the beginning! lol

they weren't kidding, our first night home.

everyone in the hospital told us to expect a rough first night. "everyone does" they said. boy they were right. we were discharged last night and it was by far the hardest night of my life! i feel like i do everything wrong and nothing is right. ashton is a great little baby when he isn't screaming lol :o).   it's really hard to do things around here with my incision (sleeping is horrible since it takes me forever to find a position and by the time i have, ashton is wanting/needing something). ashton must have felt my pain and slept 4hours this morning. i woke up freaking out since he skipped a meal but then figured if he had been hungry he would have woken up. so i am trying not to beat myself up about it. 

recovery is still pretty difficult. i had an allergic reaction to the tape they used and i have HUGE blisters all over my stomach. doctors said to let them pop naturally and they burn! but it seems to be getting better. breastfeeding is really HARD! i almost want to give up and throw in the towel. i am willing to keep going until i feel i have tried everything but boy it is REALLY hard!  i enjoy breastfeeding (minus my issues) so i hope it works out! david has been amazing. i honestly don't know how i would survive if i didn't have david. he is so great with ashton. 

emotionally wise, i feel like this will never get better. i know it is just an adjustment phase. we love ashton and even though i am sleep deprived and in a lot of pain, i LOVE looking into ashton's sweet blue eyes. he has been worth it all! i still can't believe he is ours! 

ashton is finally here!

my c-section went wonderfully. i didn't feel ONE thing. not even pressure that everyone talks about. the birth was very fast. the recovery really hurts though.  it's still the first day so i hope it gets better each day.  i didn't feel the spinal at all!

ashton was born at 4:55pm on january 8th. he weighed 8lbs 3 ounces (which is what the sonogram said he would weigh), 21inches long! he's so beautiful. we love him! breastfeeding has been somewhat difficult. i was completely out of it last night after the surgery. it was tough. but i was able to get him to latch on a few times early this morning and now all he wants to do is sleep. he is a calm baby. david has changed his diaper several times and he just sits there staring at you. he hardly ever cries.  he is so perfect we are SO in love with him!!! we still can't believe he belongs to us. i refused to let him sleep in his bassinet last night. i held him the entire night. he didn't even wake up once! i have a feeling this calm baby won't last though lol. 

here are a few pictures i took today. 

ashton's birthday

ashton will be born tomorrow sometime between 4:30pm - 6pm. i am nervous but excited. not looking forward to the recovery. which i have read/heard can take at least a month up to several months :o(. i am not supposed to be climbing any stairs after surgery (not sure for how long). i suppose it is unfortunate that i live on a second floor apartment (haha :o/). it also means i will be cooped up in this apartment for sometime. i was really looking forward to taking ashton on walks before my birthday (which is only 2weeks away! omg). but it is what it is and i just have to be thankful that ashton will (finally) be here! i pray he is healthy and does well with the surgery. i won't relax until i hear him crying for the first time.  

i still haven't packed a hospital bag! and we just NOW found a pediatrician (seriously like a few mins ago)! david started his paternity leave today so we plan on getting a ton of errands done. i have to go to the hospital to get blood work done for tomorrow (yay just what i love to do). last night, david and i went to target to get me some "c-section" clothes (read: frumpy, 2 sizes to big, ugly clothing that won't rub on my incision). pregnancy has finally made me miserable (i am so done!). turning over in bed is difficult/uncomfortable (i've started sleeping on the couch. i have a hard time getting in and out of our bed and heartburn is HELL). i bet i won't even get a wink of rest tonight! david thinks it's strange how this will be our LAST day/night as just us! tomorrow we will be parents (OMG!).

i am glad my mother came down for a week. we had so much fun, it was relaxing to have her around. i wish she was still here (she left yesterday). it makes me sad that i live so far away from her. in fact, because we had been spending so much time with them, last night i felt like something was missing. (i miss you mom!). it was a sad feeling. well, i'm not sure when i will be updating this blog again. i'm sure i will before my c-section tomorrow, but just in case, please pray that everything goes well!

ashton is breech!

frank breech to be exact! 

this destroys any hope david and i had of a natural med free birth. the doctor hasn't called me back yet to let me know when we will schedule a c-section. naturally, i am scared out of my mind right now. i know a lot of people have had safe and healthy c-sections but it is still considered major surgery and i am not comfortable with it at all. whatever is best for ashton is my priority but that still doesn't make me feel any better! 

good news is that he is healthy. my placenta looks really good and ashton apparently has a full head of hair. which we were not expecting. both david and i were bald babies and naturally assumed our kids would be as well. the doctor also estimated his weight at 8lbs 3ounces (i know she is wrong lol.) we will see. please pray for us. 

4 days overdue.

i don't know how many readers i actually have, who care even. but ashton is still not here! i keep having braxton hicks. i wish they were real contractions. today is my appointment/sonogram. doctor wants to check my fluids and make sure the baby is okay. if all goes well i won't be induced until the 16th. that's right, 16 days past my due date. nuts i know. my choice. my doctor wanted to schedule for me to be induced today at my last appointment but i declined. anyway, we will see what happens. i hate internals. i reallllllly do. for one they never mean anything. i have been 60-70% effaced for three weeks now. no dilation. i know i could go at any minute. however, i almost want to beg her not to do one today. i don't think i could bear hearing the same, "hate to say this, but no new progress" line one more time. david and i are starting to feel sad. we realize that his due date was just an estimate but it's so aggravating to keep hearing there is NO progress when i keep having contractions. well, fake contractions (braxtons) whatever. people tell you braxton hicks never hurt. mine always hurt! i am getting ripped off i think lol.

i just wanted to update my progress (or lack of) in case anyone is reading my blog and figured since i haven't updated i must have had him or something. i will update here in this post later today after my appointment.

no baby ashton yet. ::sigh::

i. will. be. pregnant. forever. i just know it!